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Magic Eyecap Wisdom 2010
A Collection of Wise Sayings, Random
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Daily Holiday Ramblings
"Wear the Eyes of March"
Ever hear of the super great-great-great niece of Julius Caesar's very talented cousin, Zoe Caesartistina, the Mad Watercolorist Assassin of Florence? Not many have heard her story, as this is one not often told. Zoe Caesartistina had a few anger management issues; for example (and such as), she was visiting Julius on March the 15th, from the Days of Yore Calendar when they use to call the 15th of every month the Wear the Eyes day (which is Latin for "middle of the month time"). Well, them cousins got in a fight over how bad Caesar was saying one of her favorite phrases, "It's you, Beauty." Apparently, she forgot that he had speech pediments and stabbed him with one of her goat hair filbert watercolor brushes. When the Senators came into his house for snack hour, the last thing they heard from poor Caesar was: "Et tu, Broo-tay" – which is sad to think about because he was just trying to say the phrase. That's why you have to Wear the Eyes of March. This Lamb doesn't know what became of Zoe. But there were rumors saying she shaved her head and started healing people's hurts with her magical breath and fruity chewing gum of compassionate care because she felt guilty.
More Lamby Wisdom from 2010
"One Good Eye"This Lamb only has one good eye, but like I always say, a one-eyed Lamb is better than a hay penny in a two-handed bird bush. "Small Birds"Hummingbirds are the smallest of birds and the only ones that fly upside down. If you are very small and fly upside down, you probably should not eat a whole lot in case you throw up on an accident. I knew a baby goat kid who spat into the wind once and then got hit by his own mouth juice, which is a gross kind of juice not very suitable for packaging. Think about it. What if you went to the store and bought a carton of juice because it had a big orange on it? And then when you went to drink it, it tasted like goat lips? If that is the case (for example, and such as), give the goat spit juice to the bullies. That's what I always say. "First Fan-mail"This Lamb got his first Fan Mail at the office this morning. There was a lot of meadow grass pouncing and bounding because of Eva and Ian. Even the Mongos played before they got all creepy and stood in silence as they stared at me reading. Well, I guess that's what happens when your Pig orders 32 Lamb clones over the Internet on-an accident. "National Repeat Day"Today is National Repeat Day Day Day-oh...me say Day-oh...Daylight come, man, we wan' go home-homemade cupcakes! Cups and cakes, brakes, goodness sakes. Skates 'round lakes and rivers and streams and ponds...ponds cold cream filling for them old cupcakes. And a cookie or two for the rest of the day-day-DAY! Me say DAY-OH! Oh my goodness! Guess what today is! Go ahead 'n guess before I repeat myself... "Gnomes Are Everywhere"Gnomes are everywhere, but people don't see or care. Look at them. With their beady little eyes, and their gnomey-Elf shoes, with jingle points and curlies. People hate them kind of shoes. Did you know that gnomes run Iran, China, France, Haiti, North Korea, and West Virginia? And look at how those places are doing. Not very well, I think. "December Leprechaun"Everyone should find a December leprechaun because it's wonderful way to celebrate Christmas, observe St. Patrick's Day, and start the New Year at the same time. That's what I always say. "Waffle Day"Today is National Waffle Day, which means you can be wishy-washy and flip-floppy on ALL decisions you make as long as you park it at the I-HOP for some golden delicious syrup-coated buttery goodness...that's what I always say. Share it with all your friends, or don't. It's WAFFLE DAY! "Everything You Do"Today is National Everything You Do is Right Day, the most amazing day this week, if only because this Lamb decided to mention it. Take it from a Lamb, who knows about ups and downs of life and is wise and sassy. "Beware"Today is Ides of March Day, so beware of them soothsayers who come up to you and tell you to beware. Otherwise, you might get a sharp pain in your back, and your neck, and your arm, and your head, and your pinky toe... "Dog Biscuits"Today is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day, for those who like that sort of thing. Although, it should be noted that, I've seen a few kids eat them on a dare. Not this Lamb. I have standards and will only eat a Milky Way on a dare. "Spread Happy Day"Today is Random Acts of Kindness Day, or NATIONAL SPREAD THE HAPPY AND NOT THE CRANKY DAY. That's right, it's time to get your Lamb on and bring sudden bits of sweetness to people who aren't expecting them. Mayhaps you should be mindful of personal boundaries so you don't get arrested. "Umbrellas & Umbrelmers"It's National Umbrella-ella-ella-ella Day-ay-ay-ay. Make sure you tell your favorite keep-dry doohickey how much you love her. For those who have Umbrelmers, tell HIM that he's groovy too. "Gnome Holiday"Today we celebrate two events: National Boy Scout Day (the first boy scout was born in 1910, under a tree in Montana, I think); and Kit Flying Day (which is silly and a bit dumb because it's too cold outside - I bet a gnome came up with that one). "Love My Dirt Devil"It's National Create a Vacuum Day. Yeah, the more I think about creating a vacuum, the more pressure this holiday makes you feel. Perhaps we should just celebrate a groovy English word with twin side-by-side 'u' letters in the spelling. Love me, love my Dirt Devil - that's what I always say! |
"Eating Pretend Droppings"Today is National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day! That's right! Grab yourself a box of 'em and pretend like you're eating droppings. Makes the moms feel queasy in the tummy. "Cinco de Mayonnaise"It's Cinco de Mayo, or 5 Quarts of Mayonnaise Day. Ew. Okay, this Lamb just threw up a little. It's also National Oyster Day...more vomit. I hear rumors that it's also National Hoagie Day, but I'm not hungry after the first two celebrations. How about a sandwich-shaped pinata? Hit it until 5 quarts of mayonnaise explode on your head. Funny thing to watch as long as it happens far away and not to this Lamb. "Tubby Huggems"If you don't have someone to give a hug to, perhaps it would be a good idea to find a tubby chubby wum-wum kinda fellow on the street so you can cram a lot of hugs in for one person. If you squeeze hard, he might even make a low rumble sound for you. "Allergic Millionaires"For a millionaire, make sure you don't go to Europe to be one. Or Iceland. Or Siberia. If you are a millionaire allergic to strawberries, it would not matter where you go because every day is not a good day, especially if you are very allergic. Maybe allergic millionaire people should just stay home. "Mustang Sally Ride Day"Today is Sally Ride Day, the birthday of the first woman to reach outer space (June 18, 1983). It's also part of a lyric to the blues song, "Mustang Sally" - tell everyone you know, but be careful about putting a quarter into Dr. Ride's hand and asking for a lift. "Grinches"Hold hands with the someone next to you and sing sweet songs to the ones you love. Even if its them gnomes and fairies. Far be it from me to deny anybody the chance for love and a little redemption. Even Grinches can re-grow their hearts, that's what I always say. So, maybe this Lamb can be a sweet Lamb for them Grinches far and wide. "Bathtime"Bathtime means you won't smell and you won't get sick too much. If everyone took more baths and naps, there would be no swine flu, bird flu and no war. That's what I always say. "Poems"April is National Humor Month! It is also Lawn and Garden Month, National Welding Month, National Pecan Month, and National Poetry Month. This Lamb would like to honor the month with a haiku or two.
"Day the Music Died"This Lamb would like to remember Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper, very groovy musicians who still shape rock-n-roll. On a side note, it is also good to remember that Feb-ROO-ary is all about the love of cherries (as well as canned goods)! "Hoard"Of course, it's Groundhog Day, but more importantly, February is National Grapefruit Month, so plan and celebrate accordingly. For example (and such as), buy a grapefruit for a groundhog. Today. Oh, it's Canned Food Month too, so if you're planning for the apocalypse in 2012, this month is a good month to start hoarding. "Conan O'Brien Fingers"It's National Compliment Day, so maybe you should tell someone they have very nice ears, or they have feet that aren't as weird-looking as other feet you've seen. You have lovely eyelashes. Your knuckles aren't at all gnarly, even if you do have weird Conan O'Brien fingers. "Squirrels Are Weird"Not everyone likes squirrels, but this Lamb does. They are fun to watch, especially up in the trees, but they get a little 'gressive at the bird feeders. Squirrels make seed messes. They attack pumpkins or dig up flower bulbs, and may even eat some of the children in your neighborhood. But that's okay as long as they eat the mean ones who kick you. "Penguins!"It's Penguin Awareness Day, so don't forget to appreciate one of the few natives of Antarctica. If you spend a little time learning about them, you will see why they are so special. If you're going to tell a penguin joke or two, please wear black and white penguin colors - like a tuxedo - otherwise, you won't be funny at all.
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